Finally! I am approved and being a long time lurker, have decided to post.
Unbelievable – I registered on the Sunday after the Warby ride and it’s taken this long to get activated. I’m feeling honoured to be a part of this exclusive club eh. Must have gone OK in the police check I suppose. Thanks BV!
Now, before anybody says anything else, It wasn’t me! Sure, I was there, but blaming it all on me before I get a chance to defend myself just isn’t fair.
I’ve read some of the piffle you guys go on about and I reckon it’s OK for me to make my first post this long bro. By the way – thanks for all the cool info guys – certainly learn a lot from this place
When I saw the post about the Warby rail trail ride I thought I might just show up and introduce myself to the group. Being a bit shy I found everybody to be reasonably friendly and they accepted me from the outset as a total stranger.
A little bit about me (for those of you I didn’t meet on the Warby ride) – 10 years ago, when I was working as a slaughterman at an abattoir in Pakenham, I lost my licence. I piled my HZ premier into a tree early one morning on the way to work from Belgrave after a big night. Well, it wasn’t really a “after” a big night, I just got in the car straight from my mates place after a 6 pack of bourbon and coke and a few cones. Pretty dumb! Yeah – I had to keep working but without a licence and working in Pakenham was going to be pretty hard holding down my job so I started riding. I also started drinking heavily.
I would get on my bike at 0330 in the morning and start my commute to Belgrave to Pakky on my resurrected hard rubbish bike(I named it the Dumpster). It’s a HiTen steel, late 80’s hybrid with 26 inch rims and slicks (well not really slicks. They used to be knobblies). I found a Carbon fibre road bike on the side of the road out the front of this cafe in Monbulk with full campy record bits mate. It was such a waste. Why would you just leave a perfectly good bike out like that? So I stripped the roadie and put the record bits on the “dumpster” and hooked it up to some Shimano Revo-shifters. Goes pretty well mate. I discarded the Italian, carbon fibre frame (can’t remember what it was called, started with C but I don’t speak Italian bro) during my last burn off in the back yard. Not very environmentally friendly that carbon stuff cuz. Should have seen the black smoke coming off went it finally lit up. ( Need to rethink this carbon neutral footprint with cycling. I just don’t get it)
I don’t have a lot of money so I like to think I’m pretty resourceful. I pay the rent and feed myself and the cat from the proceeds of my porn sites (Hey – check them out sometime. Send me a PM and I’ll give you the passwords. In fact, I have more porn sites than CraigD has blog sites).
I now study full time with an online university based in Namibia. When I finish I’ll be a fully qualified orthopaedic surgeon. (I can highly recommend these online uni’s cuzzy, my PHD can be done in 3 months. I want to be real good at it so I’m taking my time and doing the 6 month option). Having worked in the meat industry for years, I thought that taking this path would be a natural progression for me.
I had to sort my life out so I joined AA. Cycling and AA really helped me and I’ve been off the sauce for 3 years. 3 years until the Warby weekend.
I arrived at Cogs at Mount Evelyn about 10.00 am after pedalling the dumpster over from Belgrave. The first guys I met were two blokes masquerading as Greeks – Christos and Stavros. Nice enough blokes I thought – then I met the bloke organising the ride – Oz – good bloke eh!
Then I got introduced to all the “Az’s” – Kaz, Shaz, Kaz, and Daz and some bro who kept referring to himself as “Hardaz”. Top sheila’s and Daz wasn’t a bad knacker either.
From reading the forum I was a bit worried about how competitive this ride was going to be – all the talk about Team Idiot and Team HAF had me a bit worried. It wasn’t long before I realised these crew were just piss tanks mate. The only high cadence these guys do is with their mouths – and mainly throwing booze in them.
We set off and I had a bit of a chat to everybody along the trail. Before long we were at the arranged stop point for a chin wag and refreshments. That’s when it all came undone.
This guy with a bald head and big mouth, masquerading as a pseudo Greek (something to do with the hair on his back) but known as Dale handed me a beer. Not wanting to be rude and wanting to fit in with the group I accepted it graciously. “WTF” I thought, “one beer is not going to hurt me. I’ll be OK. “ – Wrong!
A shiver went through my body as I took the first mouthful and the all too familiar feeling of sobriety was starting to fade. By the end of the beer I felt very comfortable with my new group of friends.
The food at the stop was a bit high brow for me though. Being of Polynesian extraction I find all that cheese and stuff a bit rich for me. And seeing as I hadn’t contributed to the food or drinks I had a go at passing off these wonderful chocolate brownies as being home made by me. I think I got away with it! They had some grouse bread there too. This guy Richard picked it up from some place near the city – St Kilda I think. It wasn’t my cup of tea really. It was real crusty and when I bit into I broke all my false teeth.
I don’t know what’s wrong with you guys but another 5 km and you are stopping for more drinks? The Launching place pub – for what was softly regarded as a lunch stop for another 3 pints. That was it! My days of dryness were over bro. For the rest of the day, I’m on it!
As we left the pub, I hung back from the group. The alcohol pumping through my veins as the heart rate increased felt good. The “dumpster” was ticking over nicely. Somebody was banging on about ramping it up to E2 so I gave him $30.00 bucks and asked if I could have an E, too. For some reason he just gave me a blank look.
I followed the tail end of the group to the Sam Knott pub. There were four of them, waited for them to go inside then let down the back tyre of one of their bikes. If this wasn’t enough, I spiked the front tyre as well. I hung around the side of the pub and pissed myself laughing as I watched the 3 of them watching the fourth one try and fix his flat only to have a C02 canister almost blow up in his face and nearly took his hand off. Then I snuck back down to the trail to continue on.
By the time I got to Warby it was cold. I was invited inside to the cabin of Team Idiot at the caravan park. I love caravan parks. I pretty much spent my childhood in caravan parks. My mum used to take me to a different caravan park every week. She would leave me in the car while she stayed with one of my uncles. I was so lucky to have 48 uncles as a little tacker. It was warm and there was an esky.........Trouble!
I downed a few more and then decided to grab a bit of fresh air. As I was walking around the caravan park I came across the cabin that Team HAF was staying in. The same blue bike was on the veranda so just for a laugh I thought I’d have another go at the tyre – Funny eh? I love the sound of air escaping under pressure.
Everybody was getting cleaned up so I just wandered around for a bit. They were all going to dinner at the pub so I just hung around and joined them.
I had a couple of glasses of red infuriator and just mingled with the crew then I decided it would be a good idea to start a sing along. The guy with the schnauzer beard thought this was a great idea so he dragged up his mate and they all made fools of themselves.
I ordered a mugovino and a Parmigianino(apparently that is a big glass of wine and crumbed chook in Italian – It’s so romantic how you get to use the French and Italian words with cycling. I always thought that “campy” was the poofter who lived down the street and that KOM was something from one of my porn sites) from the lady waiting our table and found the wig in the kid’s toy box. I thought it would be a great idea for everybody to have a go at wearing the clown wig. I was sure that if this carrying on continued I’d be able to get them all kicked out......nah!
I downed another pitcher of wine and not having any luck getting the group kicked out I thought I’d see how far I could push it. I spied a tasty bottle of Yarra Burn Sangiovese (another cycling term I think) and knocked it all over the girl across from me. Her jeans were ruined but this didn’t seem to faze the group or the management. But I felt sorry for Oz. I’ve been through tough times too mate. But squeezing the wine that was spilt on the napkin back into your glass is hard core bro. Let me know if you need a box of Goon cuz.
I sat down next to Dale. He was getting pretty smashed by this stage. “Dale, get up and drop your strides and I’ll give you a crispy fifty”. He did, I had no intention of paying and still no reaction from the management.
“Cowboys! “ I thought. “That’ll get ‘em going”. Shaz and Trudy were at the bar so I ordered a few rounds. Still, they just kept on going.......and going.....and going. I thought I was pushing it a little with the stolen credit and the bar tab I was racking up. They were still going when I left.
It was getting pretty late. I was pretty hammered as were most of the others. Cold outside and no transport, the only way back to the caravan park was under your own steam. I had to laugh at Team Idiot stuffing the short one into a wheelie bin and attempting to drag her back to the cabin. I laughed even harder when the local Gendarmes (That’s French for Coppa mate) enquired as to their intentions with this mode of transport. I’ve slept in these bloody things before and let me tell you bro. It’s not what it’s cracked up to be. According to the little one she doesn’t remember much of it. At least she would have been warm.
Before I left the pub I slipped a vial of salmonella and e-coli bacteria into the wine glasses of some of them. “The poor bastards will be paying for that in the morning.” And true to form they did. Two of them, experiencing a gastro reaction ending up with them driving the porcelain 700c. Bloody funny eh bro!
I hung around at HAF HQ after getting home from the Pub. I laughed my head off watching the other guy (I think his name was Bevan) trying to open another bottle of Red. Maaaate – did you really think you needed another one? Hillarious watching him, one eyed, trying to use a corkscrew. At one stage I thought he was going to corkscrew his hand. Anyway one of the sheilas ended up helping rip the top off another bottle. Sad affair really – my cat’s harder than that and you call yourself HAF? Maaate!
What a circus in the morning. The only thing missing was the clown wig. Everybody cold and hung over and I joined them all, including the corgi, for breakfast before we hit the trail. Breakfast was funny – Jimmy was giving Dale a lesson on the birds and the bees and where little Corgi’s come from. Actually, I learnt something. I thought Corgi’s where actually small toy cars.
After breakfast I rode up ahead – I thought it would be bloody funny to have another crack at the tyre on the blue bike so I strategically placed a small stone on the gravel track in waiting for the guy on the blue bike to roll though then hid behind a tree. BINGO! Got him! I was hoping he would drag out the funny C02 thing again but he used it all up yesterday as well as his last tube. Oh well.
All up it was a great weekend and I can’t wait to be joining you all for a BBC ride. This BBC cycling caper will catch on I reckon. I like the idea of a half a dozen pots before 9 o’clock. I’ve given AA away for the time being. Decided that going out and getting on it at other peoples expense is way too much fun mate.
I found this camera in my stuff when I got home and unpacked my kit. I didn’t steal it, it was just there. So whoever owns it, send me a message and we’ll arrange to put these photos up on <link_removed_by_mod>. Bro – how did you get in that position? Anyway, it’ll go well on one of my sites.
Last edited by Michael W
on Mon 09 Jul 2007, 11:01 am, edited 1 time in total.